Quotes Reinvented
These are my all-time favorite quotes
1. I am a lover of two kinds of fine music. The Loud and the Very Loud… for better or for worse, til deaf do us part.**
2. I m not into working out..my philosophy: No pain, no pain.**
3. Sex is demeaning. The more I miss.. de meaner I get.**
4. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. ~Herm Albright
5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit…Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
7. I am not going through an odd phase…. I am really odd.
8. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll touch it to make sure.
9. All things are possible…except skiing through a revolving door.
10. I’ve been waiting my whole life for just one fuck… All i needed was just one fuck, how can you say that you don’t give a fuck?
11. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
12. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
13. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
14. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
15. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
16. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
17. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
18. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
19. Friends are like bras… close to your heart and there for support.
#s 20 to 40 were answers given by a bunch of 11 yr-old schoolers to some quiz items
20. Gravity was invented by Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in Autumn.
21. Beethoven was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
22. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man by that name.
23. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
24. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
25. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
26. H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
27. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
28. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
29. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
30. The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o and u.
31. Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
32. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
33. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.”
34. For Fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”
35. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
36. The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
37. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
38. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
39. To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
40. To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
This is a short essay on “Old Testament Characters” written by a grade six student
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. He created Adam and Eve from an apple tree. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark and Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without ingredients. Moses then went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he reached Canada.
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**Footnotes:
The first three quotes are originally mine, the others are from quotes i’ve collected from everywhere… from e-mails, shouts from my social networks, instant messages, tv shows or sites i’ve stumbled upon on the web some of which i forgot to take note of the URL. Those i’ve posted here, are the ones i consider the best of the bests, as of this writing, a mix of the funny, the witty and the stupid.
“And after when you’ve read and done, and no matter how long it took, please don’t judge me…..because…I am not a book.”
The following quotes would be on the serious side… (yes Virginia, I do have a serious side)… focusing on life and love.
1. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself. – Alan Alda
2. There are no happy endings. There are no real endings ever — happy or otherwise.We all have our own stories which are just a part of the one story that binds us to this world. Sometimes we step into each others’ stories… perhaps just for a few minutes, perhaps for years — and then we step out of them again. But all the while, the story just goes on. The story called life.
3. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.
4. Life… is like a box of chocolates – a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for, unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you’re stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there’s nothing else to eat while you’re watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it’s gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper ~The X-Files
5. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
6. Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. you learn and grow with each choice you make. everything is worth it. say how you feel, always… be you and be okay with it.
7. We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. – Anais Nin
8. Infatuation… is when you think he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. … Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford – but you’ll take him anyway. ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975
9. Do I love you because you’re beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you? ~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II
10 . Just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. ~Author Unknown
11. Love is like lightning… you get struck once and baby, it kills. ~anonymous
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